The Hope

In fact, from time to time the feeling of expressing myself comes to my mind but it's been a while since it was so strong that I wrote something, anything... Tonight, maybe is the time when thoughts churning in my mind may explode if I don't put them in words. But how to find the appropriate words?
Here, may the Word of God come for help as there I always find the best way to express what I feel. I think that the psalmist David wrote it exactly as I would if I were just talented and inspired as he was:
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
    my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
    my soul and body with grief.
¹⁰ My life is consumed by anguish
    and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
    and my bones grow weak.
These verses (9 and 10 from Psalm 31) are the very exact thoughts of my mind. But if we follow this psalm to the last verse, the words written are much more difficult to apply and identify with:
Be strong and take heart,
    all you who hope in the Lord.
Yes, it is easy to feed with our own distress but what it brings is only the distruction. The challenge in difficult moments as this one that I experience at the moment, is to hang on to hope. The hope that comes from the Lord.
Today, is the first day of spring.

Be conscious

It is easy to fall into a routine. The days go by quickly, each of them full of responisibilities and everyday duties. Getting older but really getting further? My last week was one of those weeks when I asked God how should I organize things to find that satisfaction of well lived life. That none of my days might be called wasted, that every evening bilan would be positive. And what I have learnt is that it is impossible. Of course it is important to try hard, to think over, but without help of the Holy Spirit it is pointless. As I am only a human I will always experience failures and falls. Life is unpredictable and I am weak but His love is always the same. In my imperfectness He is perfect and in my egoism, He is all love. Being in His presence I find myself more like Him. Never like Him, but more. And thinking about my future, my plans after studies the only thing I am sure is that my desire is to be faithful to Him and love Him more. Sometimes I feel so powerless and helpless, but in Him is my comfort and my hapinness. This simple truths I reminded to be more conscious. To be on alert when the enemy is around. I don't want to let it be somehow, I don't want to passively watch my life is going on. I want to follow His will, wherever it takes me.

Paris is green :)

It's been already couple of days since I've noticed first trees blossoming and the sun started keeping us warm, but tonight when I was coming back from my French class after being at the uni more than 10 hours, the green was even more green than normally and it was then when I saw the chestnut trees full in leaves. It's amazing as you consider that in Poland this happens in the beginning of May. I wish I could spend more time outside to enjoy it but it seems to  be impossible since my exams are coming soon. Nevertheless, I appreciate every moment in the city and I try to use it as much as I can.
In the beginning of every spring I feel new challenges and changes coming. It is the time when I would like to revolutionise my life so that I would be more satisfied of it. And for this spring I pray I would be courageous enough to ask the Holy Spirit to introduce that changes to my heart, regardless the consequences....

Why do I sometimes get headaches here

The thing that happened to me last weekend was to remind me that French is still a language that is foreign to me... That kind of recall comes always when i try too hard to speak naturally, trying to overcome all my grammar and pronunciation problems. In general, I am really grateful to God that I've made through the worst period of my learning when I couldn't express myself. I remember the first days in September when I had encouraged my friends to talk in French instead of English. But in fact, when they had changed it had been me who had been at once excluded from the discussion. When I had succeded in making a simple sentence in my mind they had already changed the topic and I had been out of context. Then there were these first days when I was forced to speak French for the most part of a day. And that was so exhausting that I was often coming home with a big headache and repeating expression in my mind. These days are thankfully over and now I just talk. Of course, my grammar is still poor and I still need to improve a lot my vocabulary but I am on the right path :) However, what causes me the biggest troubles is the pronunciation. Sometimes it brings funny situations when I confuse some words, but how is it possible that I've been practicing some words for over six months now and I still make the same mistakes.
So, last Friday and then Saturday evening I was again learnt what is the difference between "e" and "e" and "e", (I hear all the time the same "e"). And after saying thousands times the words "jaune", "jeune" and "jeûne" I got a headache but finally saw the difference. Now I just need to find out how to use that precious knowledge :)
The language experience is one of the most remarkable here for me. It showed me how important it is to be able to communicate freely with others. I also put more attention to my Polish now, especially when I talk to people that it's not their mother tongue.
I think I am also a bit different in French. The way we speak creates our image, how others see us. In French I don't speak naturally, I don't make the same jokes. It's better now, but in the beginning I put more attention on how I say than what.
Finally, whatever my grammar or pronunciation is, I want to use it so that I will be like the righteous:
"The tongue of the righteous is choice silver,
   but the heart of the wicked is of little value.
  The lips of the righteous nourish many,
   but fools die for lack of sense." Proverbs 10:20-21

My own Pantheon

It's the first time that I wanted to start a post and the first words that came to my mind were in French. I had never imagined that it would happen, but it's a nice feeling, even though I'm not sure if they were gramatically correct. Nevermind, even my English has a lot to be desired. But it's not what I wanted to write about. Neither the title indicates it, but maybe. Well, since it's almost two weeks that I started my internship at the uni I might do some summer up. And the first thought is that as from window of my office I have quite a nice view of Quartier Latin, now not only am I attached to Tour Montparnasse and Parc Montsouris (which I see from my room at CiteU) but also to Pantheon. So it's more like Paris, although it's still not the Eiffel Tower :)
By this light introduction, I wanted to bring you up to date with my Paris life. By God's grace I 've got an internship concerning biostat's project that means something I would like to do in my future (if I am ever to work professionnally). I find it a great opportunity to find out if I really will be able to work in it. It's too early to make any conclusions but it's getting better each day. I notice God's blessings in everything - the subject of the internship, my colleagues and superior, having the internship and lectures in the same corridor, even in dealing with formal stuff like social security number (because here, in France, such simple things like filling papers grow into a big problem, but anyway, bureaucracy is a French word, isn't it?).
I am so grateful that I can see life in bright colors again, because recently I struggled with it. Yet, the problems didn't go away, but I am learning how to find my peace in Him, no matter the circumstances. Or even more, when the circumstances are unfavorable. In this kind of test of my faith I see more and more that the best solution is to staying awake in His arms. The great amount of distractions that each day brings about remind me that we need to be well equiped with wisdom and love to make the day a good one.

The little pieces of my life

Last week I found a charming shop in 5th arrondisement close to my university while enjoying my break by walking along the streets of Quartier Latin and trying to discover some of its enchanting little streets... It's sound so Paris, isn't it? So yes, it is inevitable that when you live in this city, no matter how busy or how much in a rush you are, you always find a short moment to slow down for a moment and delight in it. Well, at least that's in my case. The shop I mentioned was a game shop and it offered all sorts of traditional games like Mahjong, playing cards etc. But what I found interesting in it was the shelf of jigsaw puzzles of great variety of themes and sizes. I was surprised when I saw one piece of 13200 elements (who has time for assembling it all? - I hope to find it once :) It reminded me of my childhood when I used to spend much of my time on assembling jigsaw puzzles. I had found it amazing that from a total disorder of the pieces, with a time, I could finish with a nice picture. With the experience and age, I learned that when assembling big puzzles one has the fragments that are easy to be put together and others that it takes hours to find any pieces that fit them. But like I said, with the time, patience and persistence finally you'd reach your goal.
I'm not writing it just to boast of my proficiency in assembling puzzles :) but also because it reminds me a bit of life in general . At least, my life. The elements of it, these of great importance and those less significant - everyday issues, form my being. I am amazed how God creates a beautiful picture by assembling those little pieces. Among them, there might be pieces that ressembles miracles, the others might seem only to be obstacles. But all together when wisely ordered, they are simply making sense.
 One more thing about puzzles, they won't make a picture until they are laying on the right side. If the picture on a piece is upside down, the one who wants to use it, doesn't know where to apply it. It might similar in the spiritual life. It's important that we won't hide anything from God or that we won't try to keep a part of something for ourselves. Not only it is pointless, as God knows everything, but this thing cannot be used to be a part of the great picture.
By writing this, you may well assume that I see hope and sense when I submit everything to Him. May God never let me try to hide any part of my life from Him.

"A friend is always loyal, and a brother is born to help in time of need" (Proverbs 17:17)

In this short post I would like to thank to all the people that have been supporting me during the last weeks and all the time in general :) It reminded me how precious it is to have real friends around me and how life is getting more colorful with them. My last expierences teach me that not being able to rely only on myself is in fact a good thing. It shows me that being humble and not proud are not evident for me and that it is something I still need to learn a lot about. But having this encouragement from people that take care of me I find these challenges more bearable. I am also thankful that their advices for me were emphasised on the role of trusting God during the dark days. I was really glad to hear it because it affirmed me in my belief that relying on God has a great importance in those problems. Nevertheless, God's solutions and His blessings came to me, as usual, in a completely different way that I had imagined. It's amazing how His grace for me works in a way I am never able to predict. The challenge, though,  hasn't been accomplished yet, but now, being in this believieng acceptance of His will I am peacuful when thinking about the future, and even more, I am really excited for every day, that it's really a part of my great adventure with Him.
And to finish I would like once again stress how important the encouragement and prayers of you all were for me. Once again, thank you that I can count on you and that because of you God doesn't let me to think that he has forgotten me...
I wish you all, that I will be able to give that support and encouragement back :)